The Long One

Let me preface this with this warning: This is going to be rough and raw truth. Triggers of abuse and pedophilia. Please bare with me with this one... It's going to be just as hard for me to write this as it is for you to read this...

For my mental health and sanity, I have to get this out...

My soon to be ex husband is a lot of things. He mentally abused me for years. He's sexually assaulted me when I would specifically say "No." It was not always sunshine in the valley.

The first time I tried to leave, I went to my leaders in the church. I spoke to a couple who advised me to go to our Bishop. He strongly advised me to work things out with my husband. When I tried to tell him my side, I was brushed off and then told to get a job in the medical field to better myself and that would change things.

Personally, I can not be in the medical field. I am like an emotional sponge and mirror. I soak up the emotions and feelings around me, and reflect them back to whoever is near. One of the reasons my husband and I fought so much. We were both unhappy, but stayed because it was easier facing the demons we knew, than the ones we didn't.

Looking back, I was unhappy for a very long time with him. I tried to be happy, I tried to be the best wife. If I listened to his step mother's advise on how to do things, I was wrong. If I tried to do things my way, I was wrong. Nothing ever seemed to make him happy or have him be satisfied with me. I know he was miserable in his job and his life. He is a pushover for his family and friends. He allowed them to guilt him into doing things he doesn't want to do just to make others happy. Not always a bad thing, but he would never say no to anyone... well, anyone other than me.

We both had our faults, I know I am not the easiest to deal with, especially with my mental illness. It was pretty bad at one point, I was thinking I would rather die than to stay with him. Thankfully, my common sense kicked in when I needed it to, or I might not be here.

I tried to leave him in February 2018. I went out and purchased my car so I would have a place to sleep if I needed it, and a reliable way to get to work. I had made plans for the pets in the house just in case. I was willing to sell anything I could to help me get out, or just abandon the material stuff. I purchased extra clothing I needed, suit cases, things for travel to help make my life easier for when I left.

We did separate... sort of. We shared the apartment for a bit while we tried to figure things out. I had the bedroom, and he stayed in the living room. It was not ideal but I didn't think I had much choice. In fact, this is when the gaslighting became more prominent... others were pointing out things that I didn't notice. 

During this time, my anxiety was off the charts. I had a panic attack and ended up at a doctor's care, and the physician there prescribed me a 1 MG Xanax to help with this anxiety. I had never taken one before, so I waited for a time when I knew I didn't have to work the next day. That night, I had invited over the missionaries in our area, another member of the church who is also a good friend, and I had Kaylee and Logan over. I made dinner, we had board games and music, it was a pretty chill night. About an hour before I was ready for bed, I decided to take one of my pills because my ex was making things awkward and it was making my anxiety rise. I knew it was almost time to wrap things up with my friends, and we were getting ready to say our goodbyes. This is where things get fuzzy for me. 

If you are a very devote LDS member, or grew up LDS you may not have experienced this, but being a convert, I was not always a member. I have done some naughty things in my past, like drinking. I have only been truly drunk one time, and that's what this felt like. I was wobbly, words slurred, and I have a patchy memory of that night. Well, had a patchy memory. Thanks to my friends who where present, I was able to mostly piece together that night. 

Some things I remember very distinctly... Like my friend who is also a member, he and I were on the couch with one of the missionaries. I was sitting between the two, my ex across from us on the floor. The other missionary was sitting in a chair at the end of the couch at our folding table with Kaylee and Logan. The missionaries and kids where playing a card game, Unstable Unicorns if I remember correctly. 

My friend and I were looking at the TV, talking about different shows on Netflix and Hulu we thought the other would like. I had the doors open because cooking made the apartment super hot. I was under a blanket, and I remember distinctly making sure the blanket was not touching my friend or the missionary. My ex already accused me of cheating on him with my friend. That never happened. 

I remember around this time, everyone was preparing to leave, cleaning up the cards, getting the table folded up and chair put away. I remember walking them to the door, saying goodbye, then going to my bedroom. I don't remember much after that. Apparently my ex accused me of putting my blanket over my friend on the couch and holding his hand... I don't remember that happening. Apparently we got into a huge fight over it. 

Two years later when I finally left, he still said that happened. I finally messaged my friend and asked him... it never happened. He said I didn't even shake his hand or touch him at all that night. (No hugs or anything.) For two years, this was a big fight.

That is one thing I definitely remember being gas-lit about. I'm sure if I think hard enough, I can remember some more. Maybe I will include them in this post, maybe not. 

We stayed "separated" for a bit longer. One night I came home from work and he was drunk... He was trying to apologize for all he did, he wanted me back... he even bought me a replacement wedding band set. (Mine had disappeared from a home we previously shared with roommates.) He went as far as to buy us VIP tickets to an Imagine Dragons concert, meet and greets and all. He spent a great deal of money (which I had no clue we even had because I was not allowed to see his banking information or anything-another issue for later on.)

I broke down and said we could try to work things out. My mistake. I should have said no, because during this period he would still be rude, tell me I'd never make it without him... and then I took him back.

I was scared to be honest. Better to be with the demon I know that to try on my own. I was wrong, and I acknowledge that now. Around this time, he had taken such an interest in Kaylee all of a sudden. He kept saying he wanted her to have a good life. She was a child that had been through so much. Prior to this, he tolerated her at best. To see his change in attitude made me feel better, because I love this child. At this point, I figured he accepted we would never be able to have children and she was like our adopted child we could help spoil. 

I can't believe how big of an idiot I am... was... For two years we would spoil this child. Previously, he would make me feel awful for not being able to get pregnant. It was always my fault, even in his parents eyes because hey, it's only the women who can get pregnant.. when they can't, it's always their fault. No one wants to blame the men. (I feel like a bad episode in the Handmaid's Tale... They didn't want to blame the men either...) 

I think my OBGYN back home suspected it was him. She kept telling me that even with PCOS, I could still have children, it was just going to take some work. I tried the medications to help... They made me super sick, and I had all the terrible side effects. I couldn't keep working and taking those so I stopped. It was my fault that I stopped trying. (I'm sorry but seriously, those side effects... I couldn't function like a normal person. If I could stay home and be miserable, then I might have stayed on them... but nope, I still had to work.) 

She tried to get him to get tested... just to rule that out. He refused, more than once. And then kept blaming me. So when he decided Kaylee would be our part time kid, that took a lot of pressure off of me. However, we never worked on us to fix the things that we needed. It was like a band-aid... just something to cover the issues we had, instead of trying to find the root cause and fix that.

She was happy, he would buy her anything and everything she wanted. He would go out any time of night for her to get her food. He would take her places, like local haunted spots, while I was working to keep her entertained. I would sometimes get frustrated because if I asked for him to bring me food to work (literally 2 miles from our apartment) he would always have an excuse as to why he couldn't. He would expect me to do it for him... and he worked 20 minutes away, I think about 15 miles. But anything Kaylee wanted, he would drop whatever he was doing and go for her.

I was getting frustrated... but then I thought, "She has had it tough, she is going through a lot and I shouldn't be jealous of a child." Honestly, it's not even her fault. She is such a loveable child. It's hard to tell her no sometimes. 

I didn't realize until my 30th birthday though... how hard it was for him to tell her no. All I wanted was to go to Olive Garden. I knew we didn't have much (Or assumed, because he would never tell me what his bank account looked like) and I wanted alfredo. I really wanted Gio's Italian in Pawley's Island, but I knew we were more on an Olive Garden budget. We drove to the beach because I also stopped by the radio station to pick up prizes my sister won. Then we headed to the mall because my ex told me he had reservations. I assumed it was for Gio's since he said it was a surprise and we had to go back towards Georgetown. 

We hung out at the mall, played in the arcade, went to Hot Topic. While in Hot Topic, they had a buy one get one free sale on sweaters and hoodies. Kaylee asked for one and he told her to get the deal. I told her no, just get one and I could get the other. She pitched a fit for two, and he and I got into a fight about it because we didn't have the money for both of us to get the deal. He claimed he had it and it was fine. I only reluctantly agreed because I actually found two items I could wear; a hoodie and a sweater.

I was still not happy about it. It was my birthday, I wanted a simple dinner and to be home early to sleep, and I was having to kill time in a busy mall, with two people who were getting on my nerves. It's about an hour until the reservation, so he tells us we should start heading back. Since I was driving, my instructions were to drive like we were going home. So I did. 

Apparently, my mother had planned a surprise party at Hog Heaven. It was mostly nice. Kaylee and my ex played a little too rough, and got their clothes dirty from putting food and ice down each others shirts. He also encouraged her to sit on his lap. I had a few people mention how she was not little anymore and it was getting inappropriate... and I just brushed it off. I mean, he was awful to me, but would never be that way to her... Right?

As the weeks went by, I started noticing how he would encourage her to sit on his lap, or he would rub her back. Or let her lay her head in his lap while he play with her hair. I would confront him about when she left, and it was one of our bigger arguments. I never have nor ever will blame Kaylee. It's NOT her fault in any way, shape or form. She looked up to him as an uncle figure. She didn't get much affection from anyone else like this growing up, and to get this type of affection is nice. To be loved on and shown that someone cares... but her intentions versus his were two different things. She was such an innocent soul in all of this. 

He would of course, deny it was anything like "that." That it was all because he thought of her as young relative or his own child... Grooming is what I later learned it was... He was grooming her... and I feel like garbage anytime I think about it because I didn't see it clearly enough. I feel like a failure because I didn't protect her. 

Two more years of hell before the big event. The thing that changed our lives forever...

It was a Sunday. I had just lost my job not even two weeks prior. We agreed that I would shop around for a job to see if I could find something that would pay me what I was making. We had just combined our bank accounts a few weeks prior as well.

Sunday morning rolls around and we go to his dad's to see Tabby and baby Millie. I left briefly to help a friend and came back. I gathered Kaylee and him and we went home. The same friend needed some more help so I left and came back again. It was late afternoon at this point. Kaylee and I were hot, summer in the south. We went in my bedroom to watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch (the original with Melissa Joan Hart) and lay in the AC. We fell asleep. 

I woke to Jeremy shaking me, all flustered and upset saying Kaylee was hurt and locked herself in the bathroom. What I found out next ruined me. 

He molested her while she and I were sleeping. He crawled in the bed between us and put his hands where they did not belong...

I was in shock. I left. I went to my mothers. I was panicking and freaking out. I didn't know what else to do. I eventually went back to the apartment. He called his parents and ADMITTED what he did. I wish I had the sense to record that conversation... He had them on speaker phone and my phone was in my hands.. It would have saved me so much hassle. But I was in shock.. I couldn't think. He fell fast asleep not long after and I was awake for the next 4-5 weeks.

The next morning I left to meet Kaylee at my mothers. She told me what happened and I texted him that it was best if he moved out. I could not even speak to him. In fact, a few weeks later when I went to split up our phone bill, the manager had me speak to him on the phone and I nearly had a panic attack in the store. 

I tried to immediately file for divorce, but South Carolina state law requires 100% proof or you have to wait a year. I waited the year, because I listened to some bad advise from a lawyer... I should have filed again as soon as he was convicted and a registered sex offender. When I did file, the clerk I gave my documents to never actually filed, so 4 months later I had to file again. By then I was pregnant... Finally pregnant.

I kept it to our families because it was not supposed to happen. Even then, someone told my ex, and when it was time for court... he told the judge... Which prolonged our divorce until I had the baby.

That came with it's own issues. The judge appointed a guardian ad litem and made me soley responsible for the fees. Which, in normal circumstances, I totally get. I don't think she knows he's a RSO. In fact, when we had court this week, she painted him the victim. "It was not his fault you ran off with Alex and got pregnant." If she hadn't had so much venom in the way she spoke, and how she said she ALMOST was not going to finalize my divorce, I would have spoken up... because my divorce was in fact 1000% his fault. 

This judge is not like one I have ever seen before. She wanted to blame me for everything. She only wanted to hear what was on paper, she did not care about the actual facts. 

These last few weeks leading up the divorce hearing have been so hard. Almost as hard as the first few weeks after I told him to leave. The nightmares, PTSD, anxiety... It's been truly awful.

I have been writing this post since last March... March 2021... and finally, January 2022 it is finished. I am hoping this will give me some peace... some sort of closure to be done... just completely finished.