Harder than I thought.

This last year has been intense, insane and practically hell.

I've been trying to see the positive in this situation. I really have been. I have tried to see every possible positive in my situation and sometimes it is hard. 

Just when I think I am over it and moved, something sneaks up on me out of nowhere and BAM. I've been got.

Emotionally and mentally I am losing this battle with myself. I have a good support system but ultimately, this all lands on me. 

My depression and anxiety are of control. Literally. It is now interfering with my ability to do day to day activities, including my job. The littlest things cause panic attacks so intense that I find myself passing out. I am crying almost every single day and when I try to find a logical reason as to why, there never is one. 

And before someone asks, I am medicated. I take antidepressants, anti-anxiety and something for mood boosting. It no longer helps. 

I have already sought out a physician and therapist here in Colorado. Those appointments are coming but not nearly soon enough. 

I am trying, guys. Honestly. I'm trying to hard to stay positive and happy but brain chemicals decide to take my emotions in a different route that I can't fix. I have been praying, I have been drinking more water, down to almost no soda at all. If I do, it's coke zero. I'm eating better than I was. 

I am lost. I don't know what else I can do on my own to fix this and that just makes me feel worse. 

And then there is my upcoming divorce... It's getting closer to my filing date and that is adding more stress on me. I hate South Carolina and it's stupid divorce laws. It makes no sense why I've had to wait this long, especially since he admitted to it and is now a registered sex offender. (That entire story is another blog post in the making.) 

I am miserable with depression and anxiety, though logically I have no reason to be. I'm I'm a much better situation, area, place and environment than I was in SC. I have no reason to logically be this way... But that's the thing about depression... It is not logical. It's not something you can wish away or change with positive thinking. It is real and it is awful.