It's been 84 years...
Okay, so maybe that is an exaggeration. It's been about 3. I can not believe I haven't written in 3 years.
When I started this blog, it was right after I got baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have been struggling a lot with life since then. Just because I converted into the true church does not mean my life has been easy by any means.
My last post was about Christmas, and helping a family that has become like my own. A lot has happened since then.
I tried to leave my husband once, not long after Christmas. I was not happy. I was very depressed and being around him was not helping. While everything seemed like a picture perfect marriage, it was far from that. February of 2018, we separated. I got a brand new car, and was working on myself.
However, even though we were separated, we were still sharing our apartment. It was hard to focus on me when he was settling into a depression. Life was not easy on either of us. He kept telling me I would not be able to live without him. I would not be able to afford my bills, a house, or even my car payment. He kept getting into my head.
I was prescribed medication by my doctor for anxiety and depression because it was getting worse. I blame the fact that I never asked him to leave, or take the initiative to move out first. I was scared. Looking back, I was terrified. A part of my anxiety would agree with him, that I wouldn't survive on my own. Even with the missionaries and my church, I felt helpless still. I was working a job making barely $10 an hour. I had pets to care for. I was scared he was right and I would end up jobless, car-less and homeless.
When I came home one night a few weeks into this, he was drunk. He was upset and crying and drunk. He bought me a new wedding ring, and told me he loved me and couldn't live without me... and I caved. We got back together... and that is one of my biggest regrets at this moment.
I try to not have regrets. They help me evolve and become a better person. And while I see great improvement in my thinking and behaviors, I still don't see how staying with him made me better.
Like the times before, things were okay for a while. Then he slowly started using the side effects of my medications against me. I would have blank spots in my memory from using some of the medication. He would tell me about these elaborate and insane things that I did... and I later found out they never happened. He would play with my memory and even though I we have been physically separated now for 10 months, I am still struggling with determining if events happened or not.
I have been struggling with this separation and my pending divorce so badly lately. It's affecting my life in a way of not being able to STOP talking about him or the things he did. I need to get it out.
The next several blog posts will be building to that. To allow me to get it all out of my system so that I can move on and be happy. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever gone through. It makes me miss my grandfather so much. I could really use his advice these days, because I am honestly lost most of the time. Many people think I have it together and I have news for them... I most certainly do not. With the help of Alex and my Primary Doctor, I can sort of function day to day. It is definitely a struggle, but I am working through it.
When I started this blog, it was right after I got baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have been struggling a lot with life since then. Just because I converted into the true church does not mean my life has been easy by any means.
My last post was about Christmas, and helping a family that has become like my own. A lot has happened since then.
I tried to leave my husband once, not long after Christmas. I was not happy. I was very depressed and being around him was not helping. While everything seemed like a picture perfect marriage, it was far from that. February of 2018, we separated. I got a brand new car, and was working on myself.
However, even though we were separated, we were still sharing our apartment. It was hard to focus on me when he was settling into a depression. Life was not easy on either of us. He kept telling me I would not be able to live without him. I would not be able to afford my bills, a house, or even my car payment. He kept getting into my head.
I was prescribed medication by my doctor for anxiety and depression because it was getting worse. I blame the fact that I never asked him to leave, or take the initiative to move out first. I was scared. Looking back, I was terrified. A part of my anxiety would agree with him, that I wouldn't survive on my own. Even with the missionaries and my church, I felt helpless still. I was working a job making barely $10 an hour. I had pets to care for. I was scared he was right and I would end up jobless, car-less and homeless.
When I came home one night a few weeks into this, he was drunk. He was upset and crying and drunk. He bought me a new wedding ring, and told me he loved me and couldn't live without me... and I caved. We got back together... and that is one of my biggest regrets at this moment.
I try to not have regrets. They help me evolve and become a better person. And while I see great improvement in my thinking and behaviors, I still don't see how staying with him made me better.
Like the times before, things were okay for a while. Then he slowly started using the side effects of my medications against me. I would have blank spots in my memory from using some of the medication. He would tell me about these elaborate and insane things that I did... and I later found out they never happened. He would play with my memory and even though I we have been physically separated now for 10 months, I am still struggling with determining if events happened or not.
I have been struggling with this separation and my pending divorce so badly lately. It's affecting my life in a way of not being able to STOP talking about him or the things he did. I need to get it out.
The next several blog posts will be building to that. To allow me to get it all out of my system so that I can move on and be happy. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever gone through. It makes me miss my grandfather so much. I could really use his advice these days, because I am honestly lost most of the time. Many people think I have it together and I have news for them... I most certainly do not. With the help of Alex and my Primary Doctor, I can sort of function day to day. It is definitely a struggle, but I am working through it.
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