Pregnancy: A Wild Ride

 As this is my first pregnancy, there is a lot that comes with the territory that I never expected. Of course, you hear things from family and friends; maybe even on TV shows or movies. As someone who has prayed her entire life for a child, you would think I would have been more prepared. I am not.

I expected the morning sickness. My best friend told me years ago she thought I would be a sick pregnant person, and she was not wrong. I don't blame her, she is a pediatric nurse and sees a lot more than I do. She's more prepared to make these kinds of calls.

What I didn't expect in the first 6 weeks or so was all the sleep. I slept a lot. I had just lost my job, and I thought it was just my depression acting up. Then I get the call that my grandmother was sick, so I flew home for what we expected to be an indefinite amount of time. I planned on staying until either she got better, or we had a funeral to plan. (Morbid, but the doctors did not expect her to make it through that night...)  

My flight landed around 9 pm, and I made it to my mom's around 10 or so. I woke up at 4-5 am, and had this craving to eat a bowl of kraft mac and cheese. Like, it was so bad, I thought "If I don't get this mac and cheese now, I am going to die." Not realistically, but I needed it. So here I am, at 4-5 am, making mac and cheese in my mom's kitchen. She woke to me sitting on the couch, eating this delicious bowl of yumminess, watching TV. 

Later that day, I took my niece to the store to buy her some presents because she was so good for us, and I got a pregnancy test. I called Alex while I took it and was pleasantly surprised. I ended my trip early to come home.

I also expected the mood swings, but holy cow, I did not realize how strong they can be. I can be perfectly fine one minute, and bawling my eyes out the next. Over nothing. Watching a favorite movie, I start crying because I am so happy.  I cry when I don't get my food order right. I cry when the cat ignores me. I'm a baby these days.

Here is one that is impacting me so much that I had no clue about: carpal tunnel. I did not realize you could develop this while pregnant. I also did not realize how painful this is... especially when it's in both wrists. I thought I injured myself in my sleep... and that is not it at all. It's terrible, even typing this, my left wrist is on fire.. but I have to get some of these thoughts out so I can sort my mind out. 

Another one I didn't know about: runny noses. I thought it was allergies. Nope, turns out it is just pregnancy. Such a weird little symptom/side effect but it is definitely one of them. I love this pregnancy app I use, it is very useful and tells me things I had no clue about.

Another helpful resource has been A Caring Pregnancy Center. They are a local faith based organization that helps mothers and mothers-to-be with so much. They offer classes, counseling, help getting things needed for baby, and even have help for fathers and fathers-to-be. They have helped us out so much, and I am glad this community has them. They even opened a clinic recently to help with ultrasounds and such as well. 

I will say, with all the hormones and strong emotions I have been feeling, it's been rough. It has been bringing up lost feelings and emotional turmoil that I never dealt with properly after leaving my ex. Well, he is still technically my husband... because he even ruined my divorce... Which was a wild experience in itself.

Our divorce was set for mid-February. I didn't expect him to show up, but unfortunately for me... he did. I logged into our virtual session and there he was, staring at me from my screen. I tried to not look at him. Alex helped me remove any traces of him and our baby from the background, and I expected it to be a quick session and approved divorce. Boy... I was so terribly wrong.

Somehow he found out about this pregnancy. When they judge asked if I was pregnant, I did tell her no. There is no way this is his child, and he is well aware of that. Out of spite when he asked her, he told her he heard I was. Which forced me to tell the judge I am. It did backfire on him a bit, because her next words were: "Sir you realize you are financially responsible for this child until you sign away your rights after the birth?" He tried to back peddle so fast, stating "There is no way it's my child." She basically told him it was too late. 

That was an emotionally tough day, and I was terrified Alex would leave me. Because of the judge's ruling, I now have to wait until after my baby is born to schedule another hearing, where my ex has to sign away his parental rights to a child that is not his... and then hopefully be granted my divorce. This is so hard on me. I am struggling with this so much because I don't understand his motives for saying anything. I wasn't asking him for anything; no alimony, no property, nothing. I just wanted my divorce. 

This emotional path I am on... it's not fun. Thankfully I have such an amazing partner in Alex. He really is the most supportive person I have ever been with. He is honest (sometimes overly honest, but hey, after what I have been through, I appreciate him.) He is kind, and caring. He is such an amazing father. I could not have picked a better partner, or father for my child. 

Another emotional wall I have hit and didn't expect, was how much I miss South Carolina. Well, maybe not the state itself, or it's backwards family laws... but I miss my family a lot. I miss Willow, Annie, Andrew, KyLeigh, Laiden, Palmer... just to name a few. I miss going to mom's house to hang out and eat amazing food. I'd love to get to know Alex's family better. I'd love to meet his sisters and brothers. To hang out with his dad and step-mom. I miss having a family support unit so close by. 

And the food, oh I forgot how good southern cooks are. We have been to a few restaurants here in Pueblo and I have only re-visited one local place, and one local chain multiple times. The rest of the places, we have not gone back to. It's just not good. I miss Jones's cooking, I miss the local places like Coffee Break Cafe, Rollin Local, Georgetown Family Pizza, Ball and Que... We have nothing even close out here and it's heartbreaking. 

But, there are some amazing things about pregnancy. I love how I can feel her move now. I was told several different things on how she would feel moving. I was told it would feel like butterflies. Nope. I was told she would feel like a bug crawling on the inside of my stomach. Thank you Heavenly Father that is a big nope. To me, it feels like little flips... like when you are riding a roller coaster. As of this week, I can feel her on the outside of my stomach as well. Not very prominently, but she is getting there.

Thankfully, whether it's because of covid or maybe just lack of interest, I have not had any strangers touch my belly. I did have a server at Olive Garden make a few passes to try, but then stop herself... Which I am glad because had she succeeded, I am not sure how my reaction would have been. Lately, I have been a bit on the feisty/angry side, so I may have snapped on her. Who knows, and I am glad I did not have to figure that out for myself.

The one thing we had fun with was this maternity shoot. Some of the photos came from the photographer, and some came from my phone. Alex played around behind the scenes during my solo shots. I am glad he was able to join in. We drove about an hour away to Lake San Isabel and Bishops Castle. The lake was frozen, and the main reason was I wanted snow maternity photos since we are from the south. The castle gave me major Harry Potter vibes and I was totally down with that. I wish I had the energy to climb all the way up to the top like Alex did, but I was wore out by that time. (And I really needed to pee, and I was a little worried that the higher I went, the more gravity would pull and I would pee a dress that is not mine!)

The castle was all hand built by the same guy, who is a brilliant architect but apparently a little loopy. The views were gorgeous. The second and third stories had these amazing windows and views. The stained glass windows were my favorites. The colors are so vibrant and gorgeous, the photos did not do them any justice. I hope to make it back one day when I have more energy and it's not a giant mud pit. (The snow had been melting and the ground was super muddy and slick, we had to be super careful. I was clumsy before I was pregnant and now my center of gravity is shifting... I had already fallen in a hole in the snow!)

So far, this journey has been wild and long. There have been some things that I don't like about it, but overall I am super happy. I am doing something I was told would never happen: I am making a tiny human. I am so thankful for Alex, and I am glad he is 100000000000% behind me with this journey. He has been my rock, my safe place. Especially since this carpal tunnel issue. I feel so useless... I can barely put on my pants without hurting my self. He doesn't get mad... he doesn't complain. He just does what he can to help me. He always tells me to ask him for help, and says I don't ask enough. I feel like I ask too much. He really is my rock.